


To Love is to Forgive

by please_stop_killing_dean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M, Lucifer is an asshole, Smut Eventually, Winchester Sister, if i don't suck at it, like really loosely based on canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-10-25 21:40:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10773003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/please_stop_killing_dean/pseuds/please_stop_killing_dean
Summary: You spent a year with Chuck when you thought Sam was in hell, and you fell in love. You were messed up pretty bad when he went missing, so it makes sense you'd be mad when he reappeared, right?





	1. Past Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based on the last few episodes of S11, and I mean like, really loosely. This first chapter is really short because it's just backstory, but the others will be a bit longer. 
> 
> Okay and the chapter names are all Louden Swain songs because they're amazing and I'm in love

Chuck had been one of your closest friends. In the year that your twin, Sam, had supposedly been in hell, and your older brother Dean had been with Lisa, you’d been with Chuck. Dean had just left, and you hadn’t known where else to go. You’d turned up on Chuck’s doorstep with nothing but a small bag, and he knew, of course he knew, why you were there. He’d opened his mouth to say something but closed it, knowing that nothing he could say would make things better. So he’d opened his door wide, and when you walked through, he opened his arms, and you collapsed into them. You both sank to the floor, and he just held you, not pulling away until the tears stopped running down your face. Still without speaking, he grabbed your bag and your hand and led you to the couch. He then told you how sorry he was, how he wished he could have seen something that’d have helped. And you’d found it in you to smile, and to tell him it was okay, that no one was expecting that of him. And he’d smiled back.

And that’s where you’d lived for the year. You’d fallen into a pattern. Taking it in turns to cook, to shop, to clean. You shared his bed together. He’d offered to sleep on the couch, and then you’d offered to, and then through stubbornness you’d both slept on the floor. When you both woke up from bad dreams, you’d suggested that you both sleep in the bed, that maybe it might help with the nightmares. And so it became normal. Sometimes you’d sleep in his arms, and sometimes you wouldn’t even be touching, but it was comforting to know that someone was there. After a while, you’d started to develop feelings for him, but had tried so hard to repress them that you had started to believe they didn’t exist. And so aside from one night that involved a drunken kiss- which, okay, a really good kiss- nothing ever happened between the two of you.

You’d been curled up in Chuck’s arms when your phone rang with Dean’s tone. You hadn’t heard from him in a year, and the sound of him calling made you jump. But you were quick to answer; he only said two words.

“He’s back.”

You’d jumped into action, starting to pack a bag before Chuck could even ask what was going on. When he did, you ignored him, continuing to pack. When he didn’t get an answer he grabbed your shoulders. He asked you again, and you’d told him you had to leave, that Sam was back from hell.

“But don’t worry,” you’d said, “I’ll be right back. I just…I gotta see him.”

And you’d kissed his cheek and ran out the door. That was the last you saw of him for five years.

You’d done as you said you would. You spent two days with Sam and Dean, and then you drove back. But he was gone. Nothing was missing, and there were no signs of an attack. And though you’d spent as long as you could looking for leads, there was no trace of him. And then there was Kevin. When Cas had said that for a new prophet to be activated the old one had to die, you just broke. Chuck had been your responsibility. He’d asked you, one of the first nights you were there, if you’d protect him, keep him safe. And you’d failed him. You hated yourself for it. Since the day he’d disappeared, you hadn’t had a good night’s sleep. You guessed you just needed him beside you. But he was gone, and as far as you’d known, he wasn’t coming back.


	2. Present Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably be uploading a chapter each week, but there's a chance they might be late if I have a load of school work to do on top of revision, but I'll try to stick to a schedule 
> 
> If anyone has any comments/feedback please leave it, because I honestly have no idea what I'm doing and if it's half decent or if I'm making a huge mess

You hadn’t been with Sam and Dean when the whole thing had gone down. You’d broken your ankle, and with Lucifer being held by Amara, you were having to just wait for it to heal. You’d been breaking into Dean’s secret stash of liquor when you heard voices. You hastily put the bottle back where you found it, and hobbled in the direction of the voices. Three voices. You stopped, momentarily confused, before you realised just who that last voice belonged to. You made it round the corner just in time to see a blue light disappear through the ceiling. When you lowered your gaze, your eyes were met by his, bluer, if possible, than you remembered. You opened your mouth and then closed it, realising you couldn’t put into words what you were feeling.

“Hi.”

As soon as the word left his mouth your silence broke.

“What the fuck?”

You walked towards him and- “you asshole” –punched him in the face

“Woah, woah Y/N.”

Dean grabbed you round the waist, while Sam shook his head and-

“Sam, you dick, are you laughing?”

He turned to Dean and choked out “She just punched God in the face.”

“He fucking deserved that and more,” you said, before what Sam said hit you.

“Wait, what?”

Dean gave a nervous laugh and a half smile, and held up the amulet you’d long since forgotten existed. It was glowing, bright enough to hurt your eyes. When he stuffed it back in his pocket, your eyes flickered up to his, and then, slowly, you turned to Chuck. You couldn’t separate out the thoughts in your head. Part of you, a small part, thought that maybe this could be reason enough to forgive his tearing your life apart and breaking your heart. However a large part of you was screaming that nothing could ever excuse what he did to you. And not just to you. You’d heard from more than one angel stories of how God abandoned heaven, abandoned everything and everyone. You shook your head.

“I don’t care.”

Chuck just raised an eyebrow, but you could see a storm swirling in his eyes. Sam turned to you.

“Y/N, maybe this isn’t the time for-“

You cut him off with a wave of your hand, your eyes never leaving Chuck.

“You don’t deserve anything as easy as forgiveness,” you told him, “from me or anyone else. But it seems you’ve got it from my brothers. And while I usually listen to them-“

Dean snorted, and you rolled your eyes.

“-I’ve got enough anger in me to hold enough of a grudge for all three of us.”

You turned to leave but Dean grabbed your arm.

“Me and Sam, we uh, we gotta go get Lucifer. Even with Chuck here now, we’re still going to need him.”

You clenched your jaw. Lucifer had been treating your far worse than he did either of your brothers. Constant taunts and threats, and more than one occasion had ended with his hand around your throat and bruises on your body. You hated him. But you knew you needed him.

“Alright. When are we leaving?”

Your brothers exchanged a glance and you shook your head.

“No. Not a chance. You are not leaving me here with him!”

Chuck opened his mouth to speak, but Dean got there first.

“We need you to stay here with him, Y/N. And besides, you can hardly even walk.”

You scowled at him. Much as you hated to admit it, he was right.

“Fine.”

 

You watched as Sam and Dean drove away, and then turned and limped back into the bunker. Once you reached the bottom of the steps, you leant against the railings, giving your foot a break. You made your way back over to the table, wincing when you put too much pressure on your bad foot. Chuck’s eyes had been following you since you walked back into the building.

“You know,” he said, “I can fix that foot for you, if you just ask.”

“Yeah, no thanks. I’ll find a way to manage.”

You turned away from him and started walking.

“Where are you going, Y/N?”

“To take a shower. Being around you is giving me a headache.”

You tried your best to march out, but you reckoned your injured foot made you look more pathetic than anything else.

Standing in the shower, you tried to clear your head, but thoughts of Chuck filled your mind. You remembered how your days with him used to be. How you’d spend the mornings curled up on the couch, watching reruns of your favourite shows. How you’d help him with his writing, and edit any finished work. How if he got visions that caused him pain, you’d be there the whole time, holding him and making sure he was okay. And how he’d do the same for you, each time you woke from another nightmare. He’d hold you close to him, his fingers rubbing circles on your arms. You thought about how you’d been unable to sleep well since he disappeared. And mostly you thought of the feelings you’d once developed for him, that had never really gone away. You hated that you still cared for him, still loved him even. He’d done more to hurt you than any other person in your life, and you hated him for it. And yet you couldn’t forget how your heart had jumped when you’d seen him, and how your very first thought was to throw your arms around his neck. But things were different now. You were willing to work with him. But you couldn’t forgive him. Not now, and not ever.

You’d fallen asleep on your bed after your shower, and when you woke it was late. Your stomach growled, and you realised you hadn’t eaten in over 12 hours. You grabbed your phone and headed towards the kitchen. As you neared it, you noticed a light was on in there, and you sighed internally. You rounded the corner, and Chuck looked up. He was frying something; you sniffed the air, and an overwhelming scent of onions filled your nostrils.

“In my years on Earth, I developed a liking for hash browns. Figured I’d make use of the kitchen and make some.”

You studied him for a few seconds before replying.

“I didn’t realise we had onions. Or potatoes. Or anything for that matter.”

“You didn’t.”

When he didn’t elaborate, the room fell quiet, and you were silently thankful that he didn’t comment on your decision to start talking to him again.

“You want any?” he asked.

You bit your lip, considering, before nodding yes.

He dished some onto a plate, which he then handed to you. You broke off a corner, and you almost smiled.       You’d missed Chuck’s cooking; it was far better than either of your brothers’, and he knew how to cook your favourite foods to perfection.

“You want to talk?” he offered. “I figure you’ve got some things to say to me.”

You hesitated. On one hand, you wanted him to know about everything he put you through, and a part of you wanted him to feel guilty for what he did to you. But you were tired, and you knew that if you started ranting, you wouldn’t stop. So you declined his offer, politely thanked him for the food, and turned to leave.

“I suffered, you know,” he said, “Every day. I never stopped caring for you, and I never stopped regretting what I did.”

His words made you pause, and you almost turned around. But you kept walking, all the way to your room, to your bed, where collapsed and cried yourself to sleep, your heart broken once again.


	3. Something to Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a few days early, but I'm really impatient so here we are.  
> If anyone has any feedback/criticism, pleease leave some, because I still have no idea what I'm doing

You woke a short while later to the sound of angry raised voices. You grabbed your angel blade and limped down the hallway. You heard Cas- Lucifer- talking to Chuck. Though talking may not be the best word for it. You walked into the room and Lucifer’s eyes fell on you. He smirked, and you felt like throwing up. The look in his eyes said that someone need to pay for what Amara did to him, and you knew he’d take it out on you. You still had bruises on your neck from the last time he’d threatened you, which you’d done your best to pass off as hickeys when Dean noticed them.

“Son, if you just listen to me…” Chuck began, but was cut off by a humourless laugh from Lucifer.

“Listen to you? The only thing I want to hear come out of your mouth is an apology. When you decide my help is more important than your pride, you know where to find me.”

His eyes lingered on you for a few seconds before he left the room, and the hardness in them made you shiver.

As soon as he rounded the corner out of sight, you let out a breath you didn’t remember holding. Chuck was eying you curiously, and you found yourself wondering if he could read your thoughts. You made a mental note to ask him later, and then remembered you were still mad at him. You were pulled out of your thoughts by Sam’s voice.

“Dean, c’mon. We should probably try and convince Lucifer to uh… _talk to God…”_

Dean snorted, but followed Sam from the room, leaving you with Chuck. He smiled at you, and you scowled.

“Please,” you said, “don’t treat me like nothing’s changed. What you did to me, I can’t just get over. I thought you were dead, and that was on me. I thought I failed you, got you killed.”

He looked at hopefully. “But now you know you didn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong. Y/N, please.”

“Seriously? You have got to be fucking kidding me, asshole. These past few years have been hell for me. You have no idea what I’ve… Look, Chuck. I’ll work with you. I don’t have a choice in that. But I will never forgive you, and we will never be like we were before.”

Chuck’s eyes darkened and his jaw clenched. He took a step towards you, and you stepped back. Something stirred in you, and you realised with a jolt that it was fear. The man you’d once fallen in love with struck fear in you. He was God, and the idea of him being pissed, especially at you, was not a pleasant one.             You took another step back, and his eyes softened as he watched your movements. He sighed.

“I’m sorry. I’ve done a lot to hurt you, and an apology doesn’t erase that, I know. But I’m hoping that maybe it’s a start. I _would_ like to make it up to you, if you’d let me.”

You blinked, and realised that he just apologised to you before he even did for his own son. But you still had doubts; you shook your head.

“We’ll see,” you said, but even as you turned away, you were smiling. You remembered your earlier thought.

“Hey Chuck?” you asked. His eyes flickered up to yours.

“So, can you actually read people’s minds?”

He shook his head and laughed.

“Everyone but yours.”

Your eyes and mouth opened in shock, and Chuck looked amused.

“I’ve never been able to get into your mind. Everyone else- not a problem. But it’s as if you have some sort of shield preventing me from seeing in. It never drops. Well,” he smirked, “except for that one time we kissed. Your mind must have been otherwise preoccupied.”

You blushed, and muttered “right.”

You heard voices coming down the hall, and Chuck sighed.

“Let me fix your foot. Please.”

You looked into his eyes, and for the first time since he reappeared in your life, they held nothing but warmth. You shook your head.

“Fine, go ahead.”

He clicked his fingers and you felt warmth in your foot, and then a brief stinging snap as the bone clicked back into place. You breathed out a sigh of relief just as Sam, Dean, and Lucifer rounded the corner. You and Chuck both turned towards them, and your eyes followed Lucifer warily as he made his way into the room.

 

“So, _dad,_ I’m ready to hear that apology.”

Chuck sighed.

“Everything I did, I did to protect humanity. To protect them from you. Please son, try to see that.”

Lucifer laughed, and the sound was chilling; more so than it should have been, as it was coming out of Cas’ mouth.

“You protected them, your experiments, over your own son. I don’t _see_ anything”

When Chuck said nothing in reply, Lucifer rolled his eyes and made to leave.

“Son,” Chuck said, quietly. “I’m sorry. I don’t regret anything I did, but I _am_ sorry.”

Lucifer tilted his head- a very Cas movement, you noted- and studied his father for a few seconds. He then gave a single nod, and Chuck offered a small smile in return.

“Can’t believe I just witnessed a freakin’ counselling session between God and the devil,” Dean said.

You snorted, and the sound drew the attention of both Chuck and Lucifer, and when your eyes met the latter’s, you glared and turned away. When Dean asked where you were going, you just told him you wouldn’t be long. In reality, you just needed a break from the crazy that was currently happening. You reached your bedroom, shut the door, and sank down against it. You felt tears pricking your eyes, and angrily wiped them away. You didn’t know why you were crying. You guessed you were just angry at the whole situation. Angry that you still loved Chuck, and that you were close to forgiving him. Angry that Lucifer got to walk free when he didn’t deserve it, and even angrier at the fact that you knew he was needed in the battle against the Darkness. Your head fell to your knees, and you felt yourself near tears again. A creak from your bed made your head snap up, and you saw Lucifer lounging on your bed, blue eyes alight with fire. Your heart felt like it briefly stopped with fear, and you disguised it by scowling in his general direction. You stood up, and felt for the angel blade in the inside pocket of your jacket. Comforted that it was there, you relaxed a little, and raised an eyebrow.

“Any particular reason for this oh-so-pleasant visit?” you asked him

He smirked, and said “Can’t I just want to talk to my favourite little plaything without a reason?”

You stiffened at his choice of wording, and he noticed; his smirk grew more pronounced. You involuntarily took a step back, towards the door. You tried to reassure yourself. He wouldn’t hurt you with Chuck here, right? You weren’t really too sure. You watched him warily as he stood up and made his way towards you. Your back hit the door, and your hand reached down for the handle. You tried it, and it was locked. Your eyes flicked up to Lucifer’s, and he raised his eyebrows innocently. You rolled your eyes. He kept walking, and didn’t stop until his body almost touched yours. He reached out a hand, and trailed a finger down your cheek, and kept going until his hand reached your neck. Your breathing was shaky, and you tried to lean away from his touch. You hated that he could cause such fear in you, and you knew that he knew that too. You tried for a defiant stare, but guessed you probably failed. Lucifer’s other arm reached out, and his hand splayed against the door. You screwed your eyes shut, and wondered if you could inconspicuously reach for your blade. A knock on the door startled you away from your thoughts, and your eyes flew open to find a very empty room.

“Y/N? You doing okay in there?”  
Sam’s voice had you releasing a long held breath, and you opened the door, and smiled up at him.

“I’m good Sam, I just…” you voice shook. “I needed a breather.”

He nodded, and put his arm around you as you both started walking down the hall.

“Things are pretty crazy,” he agreed.

“That hardly even covers it,” you laughed, and for a moment, you felt happy.


	4. Ready Steady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't actually have much of an idea where I'm going with this, and on top of that I have a load of revision to be doing, so if the next chapter is a few days late, that'll be why.  
> Thank you to those who have commented/left kudos, it really makes me happy to know people are enjoying this.

Chuck had told you all that even with the combined power of him and Lucifer, it would be near impossible to bring down Amara. You’d been wondering about this yourself, and hesitantly asked Chuck “Could you…I mean, would you be able to bring back Gabriel? Wouldn’t having another archangel here help?”

Sam sighed. Neither of your brothers liked Gabriel, and though you’d never exactly been friends with him, you didn’t share the strong dislike for him that they did. But Chuck shook his head.

“The amount of power it would take to bring back an archangel…it would take much too long.”

You nodded, already thinking of plan B.

“Okay so, we work with what we’ve got.”

Sam raised an eyebrow, and said “What exactly is it that we’ve got?”

“Well for one, demons. Dean, talk to Crowley. Tell him whatever, just get him to agree. Shouldn’t be too hard. Sam, deal with Rowena. Threaten her, bribe her, whatever. Just get her here.”

You turned to face Lucifer, and hesitated. He raised an eyebrow.

“Well let me guess. You want me to talk to-“ he tilted his head up, “-them?”

You gave a brief nod, your lips tightening, and he vanished. You looked at Chuck and nodded; he clicked his fingers and Sam and Dean both disappeared. You stood still for a minute, before heading for the kitchen to make a sandwich. You were halfway through making one before you remembered you weren’t alone. You turned around to find Chuck watching you, leaning against the wall.

“Sandwich?” you offered. He shook his head, and smiled softly.

“Remember how you used to make me sandwiches when I was writing, and I’d be so absorbed you’d have to remind me to eat it several times before I did?”

You laughed.

“Yeah, and then you’d take one bite, turn back to your work, and forget the sandwich ever existed.”

You shook your head, smiling fondly at the memory. Having Chuck here, thinking about all the memories you had together…you wanted to be mad at him, you really did. But it became harder each time he spoke.

 

You finished off your sandwich, washed the plate, and huffed out a sigh. You studied Chuck curiously. It was about the time you’d usually train with one of your brothers, but seeing as how they weren’t here… You knew Chuck had his God powers, and any fight he entered would go his way, but he’d still know basic hand-to-hand, right? You bit your lip, and opened your mouth before closing it again. Chuck just watched you, and raised an eyebrow, amused.

“Do you…I mean, you’re God, so you probably…I mean, you don’t have to…” You trailed off, unsure of what you were even saying. Chuck walked over to you and leant against the worktop.

“Y/N, hey, talk to me.”

“Sam and Dean usually train with me, and I just…do you wanna maybe help me out?”

He laughed, and not for the first time you wondered what was going through his head.

“You want me to kick your ass? Sure, I can help with that.”

You blinked. Ookay that was not what you were expecting to hear.

“Bring it,” you laughed, momentarily shocked that God just agreed to spar with you.

You moved into an open space, and bent your legs slightly into a crouch. You started to circle, and Chuck followed your lead, circling with a smirk on his face. You threw a punch, making sure not to drop your shoulder; he blocked it, and went to sweep his leg under yours, which you dodged. You grinned. His fist made contact with your stomach, and you stumbled back.

“You hit me,” you said, and laughed. “Nice.”

 

Five minutes later, you were tired and sweating. You hadn’t had a workout this good in forever. You pushed the hair out of your face, and went to throw a punch, but Chuck grabbed your wrist, and the next thing you knew, you were pinned with your back against his chest. You tried to pull away, but he didn’t give you an inch. Your head fell back against his shoulder, and you felt his breath in your hair. He laughed, and you groaned internally. You were good at what you did, and you won your spars with your brothers like eight times out of ten. His grip loosened, and you twisted round to face him. Your breath hitched in your throat as your eyes met his, and your mouth parted. Your brain was screaming at you, conflicting thoughts about the man in front of you. The corner of his mouth quirked up in the smallest of smirks, and damn, that smirk killed you. You couldn’t separate one thought from the next. You wanted to kiss him, but you also wanted to punch his stupid face. You loved him, but you were also trying hard not to forgive him. Your mind was a mess, and you realised you couldn’t even begin to tell him what was going on in your head. His face moved closer to yours.

“You don’t need to,” he whispered. “Right now, your thoughts are as clear to me as anyone else’s”

“Then you know,” you said. “You know why I can’t…”

He just looked at you, studying you. And then, of course, Dean’s voice sounded throughout the bunker.

“Y/N?”

Chuck released you, and you all but jumped back away from him, rubbing the back of your neck.

“In here, Dean,” you called.

He walked in, followed by Crowley, whose attention was thankfully directed at Chuck, as your mind was a mess. You sat down in the nearest chair, and put your head in your hands. You couldn’t quite figure out what was going on in your brain. You knew you should have been focused on the issue of the potential end of the world, but hey. If the world was going to end anyway, then what the hell, right? You tried to get things straight. Yes, you loved Chuck. And yeah, you knew you probably always would. But he did really hurt you, and you knew he’d likely have to leave again. But you also knew that there was a high chance you’d regret passing up an opportunity to make things up with him. You lifted your head up out of your hands and found three pairs of eyes staring at you. Dean with curiosity, Crowley with boredom, and Chuck, well he was staring at you like he was trying to see right through you, or possibly into your soul, but you guessed that was just a normal look for him. Before you could think much into it, Sam appeared in the room, along with Rowena. Crowley rolled his eyes and sighed, before muttering “mother” and turning away.

“Fergus,” Rowena said, before she noticed Chuck at the table.

“Oh my,” she said, “You’re him. I feel I should apologise for…everything ever.”

Chuck nodded.

“Yeah, I feel like that may be a good idea…yeah. Though I must say, I do enjoy observing you from time to time.”

Rowena sighed, and stared at Chuck as he turned towards you and rolled his eyes.

“So how come Lucifer’s not back yet?” you asked.

Chuck shrugged.

“I doubt the angels would side with him easily.”

You nodded, mostly to yourself, and started to walk out of the room.

“Where’re you going?” Sam asked.

“Library,” you said. “Figured I’d hit the books. Last minute research, I guess.”

You headed out of the room, glancing behind you as you went. You kinda hoped Chuck would follow you, but at the same time you didn’t know what you’d say if he did.

 

Being surrounded by books always calmed you, even if they were books filled with knowledge on every creepy thing out there. You walked down the shelves, fingers running along each book until you found the one you wanted. You slid it out of the shelf, and sat down at the table. You knew there wouldn’t be anything new to find, but you kinda just didn’t want to be around so many people. A creak of the floor behind you announced Chuck’s presence. You turned around and he smiled.

“We should probably talk.”


	5. Like the Heart Goes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this whilst I was semi-drunk, and when I read it sober I realised it somehow made sense, which was nice.  
> I have such a sense of dread over the spn finale, which I still can't watch for over 12 hours, as I'm in the UK and have school and then prom.  
> If you have any, please leave feedback as it would be a big help!

You stared at him for a minute, thoughts a whirlwind in your head. He wanted to talk, now, after you’d told him you couldn’t do this? You were pissed. But you also wanted to just give in; you were tired of the conflict, and despite being a hunter, you weren’t a confrontational person. And then, of course, was the fact that you still loved him. You stood up, and words were coming out of your mouth before your brain had registered that you’d even moved.

“I don’t want to talk.”

You didn’t have time to notice the look of surprise and hurt on his face before you stepped forward and kissed him. One of your hands twisted in the collar of his shirt, and the other found its way to the back of his neck. He smelt like cinnamon, and his lips were soft against yours. You let out a sigh when his hand moved to the nape of your neck, and it was at this point, naturally, that your brain caught up to your actions. Your eyes flew open, and you stepped back, fingers touching your lips. _Stupid,_ you told yourself. _He came in here to talk, not to get assaulted._ You just kissed a guy who’d never shown any indication of liking you. Hell, you’d just kissed God. A God who was currently looking at you with amusement, one eyebrow raised, a half-smile on his face. You groaned.

“I…shit, I am so sorry. I just…you were stood there and you looked so good and my brain just switched off and I couldn’t think and I swear I didn’t mean to and I- oh god, I’m babbling, aren’t I?”

Your eyes widened.

“Oh-. Is it weird for you if I say ‘oh god’? It’s probably weird. It’s totally weird. I just- I’m sorry…”

You trailed off, noticing how Chuck’s mouth was turned up at one corner in a smile, and how his eyes were crinkled and were looking at you fondly.

“You uh, you’re supposed to stop me when I start babbling.”

“Like this?”

His voice was soft, and when he moved to kiss you, you leant up to meet him. It was brief, but oh, so sweet. He smiled as he pulled back, but he didn’t step away. He chuckled at your stunned silence.

“It’s not weird.”

You blinked. Had you asked a question?

“Huh?”

He smiled at your loss of words, and what little train of thought you had left vanished.

“It’s not weird if you say God. I learned to tune all that out a long time ago.”

“Right. But you…I mean you just kissed me,” you said accusingly.

“Observant, aren’t you?”

“You kissed me to shut me up.”

His eyes widened and his face fell when he realised what you meant.

“No, Y/N that’s not- I love you. For all this time, I’ve loved you. I didn’t stop. I never will.”

The joy that overtook your mind was quickly quashed with anger. How dare he? He lets you think he’s dead for five years and then tell you he loves you? Nope, not happening. You didn’t know if he was in your head, or whether you just had a real bad poker face, but his expression started to grow concerned.

“You can’t tell me I said the wrong thing,” he said, “I know you’ve felt the same for years.”

That was all it took for you to explode.

“So for these past five years that you let me think I got you killed, you’ve not only been in love with me, but known I felt the same way? I haven’t slept properly since you left. Dean repeatedly tried to get me to see a shrink. My life has been hell, and you come back with an ‘I love you’ and expect everything to be okay? You don’t…you can’t do shit like that to someone you love. It’s not okay.”

Chuck seemed shocked, but had at least the decency to look ashamed. You opened your mouth to say something else but shook your head, and instead just turned and walked away.

 

When you rounded the corner, you saw Lucifer lounging against the wall, appraising the conversations taking place in front of him. Crowley and Rowena appeared to be in a heated argument, and Sam and Dean were sat discussing strategy. You surveyed the room for a moment before sensing Chuck walk up behind you. You stepped forward.

“Okay, Crowley. You’re helping?”

“I’m in no particular rush for the world to end, so yes. My demons will help when the time comes.”

You nodded, and turned to Rowena. She sighed dramatically and scowled.

“I was all for escaping to hundreds of years ago, and yet,” she sighed again, “here I am.”

You made to say something but changed your mind. Best not to question it. You turned to Lucifer.

“And heaven? Will they help?”

“Well,” he smirked, “They took a bit of convincing, but what am I if not persuading?”

“Okay,” you addressed everyone, “the plan is ready to go. I guess…we just need to decide when.”

“Now.”

The voice came from behind you, and you turned to face Chuck.

“She needs to be stopped, but we’re not killing her. We just lock her back up.”

You snorted, “Yeah, because that’ll work.”

Chuck fixed you with a glare, and for the second time now, you felt almost scared.

“She’s my sister. She needs to be locked up. But I just…she’s still my family. I can’t kill her.”

You opened your mouth to argue, but Sam cut you off.

“Sure, Chuck. She’s your sister.”

Your eyes flickered up to meet Dean’s and his face mirrored your expression of concern.

“Uh, Chuck?”

He turned to look at you, and raised an eyebrow.

“Do you not think that maybe this plan will get us killed? You know, this kinda seems like a kill or be killed situation. Dean?”

“Yeah, no freakin’ way will she leave us alive if this doesn’t work.”

“We’re doing it my way,” Chuck said, and you heard a distant roll of thunder accentuating his point.

You rolled your eyes, and yelled _stubborn dick_ in your head, hoping he heard it. He didn’t.

“Your way will get us killed,” you snapped, and all eyes turned to you. Even Lucifer looked shocked, though he still had his smirk plastered on his face. You opened your mouth to continue, but Crowley spoke first.

“As much as I’m loving this…gathering, I suggest we put the plan into action. Now, maybe?”

Chuck nodded, and clicked his fingers, and you took in your new surroundings. You watched Rowena and Chuck’s silent exchange, and your eyes followed Rowena as she left the room. Chuck walked towards you. You prepared yourself for a lecture, but instead he grabbed your elbow and tugged you through the other door in the room. You crossed your arms and raised an eyebrow. He sighed.

“I know you’re angry.”

You opened your mouth to interrupt but he held up a hand to silence you.

“You have a right to be. I’ve apologised for leaving, and I’ll do it again. I’m sorry. But you should forgive me. I love you. And I know you love me.”

He gripped your hand, and his fingers threaded through yours. You hesitated, and that was all it took. His face moved close to yours, and your breath hitched as his eyes stared into you. You tilted your head up, almost involuntarily, and your lips met his. One of his hands gripped your hip hard enough to leave bruises and pulled you flush against him, and his other hand curled into a fist in your hair. You moaned into his mouth as his teeth grazed your lip, and your hand gripped his hair, tugging slightly. His hand in your hair moved down to your breasts and you gasped into his mouth. You felt his smirk, and then he pulled away.

“She’s here,” he whispered, and kissed you again. “But this is not over.”

He disappeared, and left you shocked and alone. After a moment of sorting out your thoughts, you shakily made your way back into the other room, where you were met with curious eyes. You heard Rowena yelling from outside, and you looked to your brothers. They nodded at you, and you took a deep breath. This was it. Rowena went silent, and Crowley made his way to the door. Your heart pounded, but your eyes met Chuck’s and you calmed. This would be okay. You had God on your side. You couldn’t lose.


	6. All I Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so this is much later than I wanted it to be uploaded by, but I've had so much revision to do for exams that I haven't had a chance to write. And on the plus side, this is my longest chapter yet. It also contains my first ever attempt at some kinda light smut, and honestly I can't really tell how it turned out.  
> If anyone has any comments/feedback it would be super appreciated!

You hated being wrong. Turns out, you could lose. And pretty badly. Everything had been going just as planned. Amara had stumbled into the room, worn down by the witches, demons, and angels, and Lucifer had then played his part as well. It was during Chuck’s turn that things screwed up. As soon as Amara figured out that he didn’t want to kill her, that he was just going to send her back to her cage, she started putting up a fight. And somehow, the power of God’s sister beat the power of God. She did something to him, and then there he was, laying on the ground. He wasn’t moving, and for a brief moment you panicked. But you calmed yourself. _He’s God. What exactly could happen to him?_ The second Amara disappeared, you rushed to his side. You heard him groan, and you almost laughed. He was okay, everything would be fine. But when he tried to stand up he was shaky, and his eyes held something close to panic. Before you could ask what was wrong, Dean’s voice cut through the quiet of the room.

“Cas? Cas, that you?”

“Dean,” Cas’ eyes met your brothers’. “It’s…just me. Lucifer’s gone.”

You watched as Cas climbed to his feet, holding tight to Dean as he steadied himself. You turned back to Chuck, still supporting him.

“What happened? What did she do to you?”

Chuck hesitated, before saying, “I’m dying.”

You glanced around at your family, and their faces held the same confusion that adorned yours.

“Well yeah,” Dean began, “but can’t you just, you know-“ he clicked his fingers- “zap yourself better? I mean, you’re freakin’ God! You can’t just be dying.”

Chuck sighed and moved away from you to address the group.

“I can’t…” he trailed off, hesitating. “This isn’t something I can fix. I’m going to die.”

You stared at him, unable to find any words that would fit the situation. Your mind was screaming in protest and everything just seemed to stop. There were voices, people speaking, you knew that, but they sounded muffled, like they were coming from underwater. Your head seemed to be spinning, your chest felt constricted, and the hand that had still been held out from supporting Chuck fell to your side. Your brain dimly registered that someone was speaking to you and touching your arm, but it wasn’t until a firm hand guided your face up to stare into _those_ blue eyes that everything seemed to calm. Your breathing slowed, and you managed to just think one coherent thought. _I just got you back. Don’t make me lose you again._ And from the way he pulled you close to him, you knew he heard. Before anyone could say anything more, Rowena walked back into the room, with a look of worry that was unusual to see on her face.

“I think you should come outside,” she said, and her voice was slow and uneven. You all followed her outside, Chuck’s hand on the small of your back. Walking through the door, your eyes were met by orange light, the sky much darker than before. Your feelings over Chuck were momentarily forgotten as you tried to figure out what was going on; Dean got there first.

“Is the sun…going out?”

You struggled to find a response, not being able to comprehend what was happening. An explanation started forming in your head, and your stomach filled with a dull sense of dread.

“Is this,” you turned towards Chuck, “because of you? You’re dying, and…well the sun’s dying with you, right? If you die…”

Sam finished saying what you couldn’t, “So does every other person on the planet.”

 

The silence that followed was long and uncomfortable, and was broken only by Chuck transporting you all back to the bunker. Dean was the first to move, making his way to the kitchen. If you knew him, and you did, he’d be starting to drown himself in alcohol right about now. Your eyes drifted to Sam, and he looked lost. You knew he’d be wanting to fix this, but you weren’t sure there’d be a way to do it. You moved to his side and grabbed his hand, and he looked down at you, and then at your hands. A faint smile made its way to his face, and he pulled you in against his chest, his arms holding you tight. You felt tears threaten to spill down your face, and you angrily blinked them away. You wouldn’t cry. You couldn’t be selfish about this. You pulled away from Sam, and he ruffled your hair.

“Love you, kiddo.”

“Love you too.”

You flashed him a weak smile before turning away. Your eyes glanced over Crowley, who was pouring himself a drink, and Rowena, who’d just stopped pacing and was sinking into a chair, and fell on Chuck. He was watching you, and the look in his eyes…you couldn’t place it. You walked over to him and hesitated before threading your finger through his. Your mind whirled, and every thought you’d had about not forgiving him faded. If he was going to die, which you were still in denial about, he wasn’t going to die thinking you hated him. You weren’t going to waste a single second you had left. You opened your mouth, but before you could speak you felt a rush of wind and you were in the library. You took a step back, unsteady on your feet, and Chuck grabbed your shoulder to help. You opened your mouth but then closed it, biting your lip. Chuck didn’t try and rush you, he just waited patiently, rubbing circles onto your shoulder. Your eyes met his, and everything calmed.

“I don’t want you to die,” you said. As soon as it left your mouth, you knew it sounded childish, but honestly, you didn’t think you could go through losing him again. Though you guessed there was an upside. The world would die and you wouldn’t live long enough to mourn him. Chuck’s lips twitched.

“You should probably rethink your definition of what an upside is.”

His remark dragged an unwilling smile from you, before your face fell again. You sighed.

“There has to be something we can do about this. You can’t just die.”

“The only person who could reverse this is my sister, and I don’t really think…”

You exhaled angrily. His hand that was rubbing circles on your shoulder stilled, and moved down to take your hand. You looked down at your fingers interlaced with his, and felt the tears start to fall. You didn’t even bother to wipe them away, just leant forward and buried your face in his shoulder. The hand that wasn’t in yours reached up to stroke back your hair, and you felt your tears stopping. You breathed in the scent of him, and it was both heady and comforting, and brought memories flooding back of nights laying in his arms. Your head started to tilt up, and your heart was beating so loudly you were sure he could hear it. Your cheek brushed against his, and his breath was warm on your face. The hand in your hair was still gentle, not pushing you to do something you didn’t want to. But your lips found his anyway, and then his hand gripped your hair tighter. And the one holding your hand moved to your waist, his fingers pressing into your hips and pulling you closer. His tongue pressed against your lips, which parted with a sigh. You had one hand in his hair, and the other on the small of his back, fisted in his shirt. His hand in your hair tightened more, tugging your head to tilt back. His lips left your mouth, and he kissed along your jaw, moving down to your neck. Your grip on him tightened, both in his hair and on his shirt, as he sucked a mark onto your neck, scraping his teeth against your skin. His mouth moved to your collarbone, making sure to leave more marks along the way. You moaned, and his actions stilled as he looked up at you from under his lashes. Your breathing was heavy, and you hardly noticed as he backed you towards the table, hands settling under your thighs as he lifted you up onto it. His lips left your neck, and his eyes stared into yours. You tried to form a coherent thought, to tell him what this meant to you, what _he_ meant to you, but your brain had switched off. His lips moved back to yours, and he mumbled “Me too” against your mouth. His hands moved to the top of your shirt, playing with the top button. He pulled back from your lips, his eyes asking you a silent question, and you responded just as silently, sending him a prayer of _yes, yes I want this,_ and his groan let you know that he heard. You leant forward and recaptured his lips in a kiss, and his fingers stopped playing with the button and freed it, and then moved down to the next. You toyed with his lip, pulling it between your teeth and pressing down, oh so gently. His actions grew more frantic, and yet were still controlled. Your shirt was pulled down and off your arms, and with one hand behind your head and one under your back, he lay you down on the table. You gazed up at him, and could only imagine what you must look like; hair a mess, lips swollen, red bruises littering your neck.

“So ruined,” he breathed, “and we’ve hardly even started.”

Your head fell back on the table, and you moaned. You squeezed your thighs together, trying to create some friction for the ache between your legs, but Chuck smirked and moved so that he had a thigh between your own legs, making it impossible to close them. You let out a noise halfway between a whine and a moan, and he just raised an eyebrow, effectively silencing you with a look. He stared down at you, and for the first time you felt self- conscious; Chuck must have had countless women in positions like this, no doubt all of them better looking than you. He must have sensed your thoughts because a slight frown appeared on his face and he shook his head lightly.

“You are so beautiful. I know you don’t see it but you are. Nobody else compares to you. I love you.”

You felt your mouth stretch into a smile, and you knew he meant it. _I love you too,_ you prayed to him, and his lips twitched up. _Now get your mouth back over here._ His half-smile grew into a wicked smirk, and he leant down so that his mouth hovered above yours. You tilted your head up to meet him, and he moved back, keeping his lips just above yours, teasing you. Your eyes flickered up to his, and they were dark, the usual bright blue clouded over. You let out a frustrated huff, and grabbed the back of his neck, guiding his mouth down to meet yours, His hands skimmed over your torso, his fingers warm on your cold skin. He reached a hand round and unclasped your bra, tossing it aside. His hands then travelled down to your jeans, deftly undoing the button and sliding them down your legs, to where they pooled at your ankles. He lifted up one leg and then the other, sliding the jeans over your feet. His mouth moved away from yours, and his lips traced patterns down your neck, down your chest, until he reached your breasts. You stared down at him as his mouth closed over your nipple, his hand moving to toy with the other. His tongue swirled around it, and he gently pulled it between his teeth, whilst rolling the other between his finger and thumb. Your eyes fluttered shut, and your breathing grew heavier. His voice cut through the quiet.

“No,” he said, “keep your eyes open. Watch me.”

The tone of his voice let you know that this was an order, and honestly it just made the heat between your legs grow stronger, and you squeezed your thighs around his leg. You tugged on his hair, pulling his head up towards yours.

“You,” you breathed, “are wearing far too many clothes.”

He grinned, and clicked his fingers, and in a blink his clothes were gone. Your eyes travelled down his body, and you moaned and sent another prayer his way. _I just…I want to taste you._ Even in your own head it sounded like begging, but you were too out of it to care. Chuck’s eyes closed briefly and his jaw clenched, but he shook his head.

“Not this time.”

You had just enough presence of mind to wonder if there ever would be a next time, before his fingers slipped under your panties and slid them down your legs and over your ankles. He leant back down over you and kissed you, and you whined into his mouth. _Please...need you…can’t wait any longer._ He deepened his kisses, and just when you were about to really start begging, he entered you, slowly, much too slow for you. You moved your hips up against him, and he bit your lip in warning. You stilled, and only then did he move. With each thrust you moaned louder, and he was breathing heavily into your mouth. You felt sure the whole bunker could hear your cries, but caring was beyond you. You felt that familiar ball tightening in your stomach. _Chuck I…I can’t hold on._ And then you heard his voice in your head, clear as anything. _Let go, Y/N, for me._ And you did. And during your high you distantly realised that he did too. And then the room fell quiet, the only sounds being those of your heavy breaths. You smiled up at him and kissed him, and put your whole heart into telling him _I love you._


	7. Over Before It Began

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've just uploaded a chapter less than 24 hours ago, but I just finished writing this and I'm really impatient so here we are. Sorry it's kinda fast paced (and crappy??? idk) but there's only one more chapter left to go after this and I'm really excited to get to it.  
> As always, any comments are super helpful!

When you’d both calmed, and your breathing was more even, Chuck pulled you up from the table. Your eyes started scanning the room for your clothes, but Chuck snapped his fingers once and you were both fully clothed. He walked over to you and kissed you, and it was full of love. He turned and made to leave, but you grabbed his wrist.

“Chuck,” you said, “are you not going to explain…?”

“Explain…what?”

Your gaze started to harden into a glare, but you pushed it away.

“You spoke to me. In my head. How? Because I swear you could not do that before…”

He hesitated, and you could tell there was something he wanted to tell you.

“If we both get through all of this, I’ll tell you then. If we don’t there’s no point in you knowing anyway.”

You were going to argue, but the look on his face said that he wouldn’t change his mind, so you just took his offered hand and let him lead you back to the others. Just before you rounded the corner you froze. You knew that everyone would be able to guess what had happened, and you didn’t want your brothers freaking out over this when there were bigger issues to focus on. Chuck sensed your hesitation, or maybe he could just read all your thoughts now, and he placed a kiss on your head.

“Don’t worry, they’re all preoccupied.”

And he was right. They were all sat in deep conversation, and hardly even looked up when you walked in. Dean gave you raised eyebrow, and you saw Sam shaking his head and fighting back a smile, but aside from that no one said a word about where the two of you had been.

Chuck sat down in the last seat, and you awkwardly perched on the arm of his chair, drawing odd looks from everyone. Chuck pulled you down so you were sat on his lap, and your eyes widened as you glanced around at everyone. But still no one acknowledged this, except Crowley, who just rolled his eyes. Comforted by this, you leaned into him, resting your head on his shoulder.

“So,” you began, “do we have a plan? Anything at all?”

 Hesitant glances were shared between Sam, Dean, and Cas.

“Yes,” Dean said eventually, “we have an idea.”

He told you about the plan, about his literal suicide mission, and you found yourself looking round at the other faces in the room, sure that Dean couldn’t be serious. When he finished, you stood up.

“No. No way, not a chance. I’m not going to let you kill yourself on the off chance it _might_ save the world. This isn’t happening.”

“It’s already decided, Y/N.” His voice was gentle as he continued. “And besides, me doing this? There’s a slim chance he gets to live.” Dean nodded at Chuck, and you let out a disbelieving noise.

“Do you really think that there’s anyone, anywhere, ever, that I would put in front of the three of you?” You gestured to him, Sam, and Cas. “You’re my family. You come first every time. Always. You can’t do this!” You turned to Chuck. “Tell him this wouldn’t work!”

Chuck hesitated.

“Y/N…if you want to stop my sister and save try to save the world, not only is this the best plan, it’s the _only_ plan.”

You stared at him in shock. You didn’t understand how he could be so cavalier about this.

“Don’t you care?” you whispered. “You created this, all of us, and now…” your voice was growing louder with anger. “You’re totally fine with Dean going off to die in your name, for just a _chance_ at success.” You knew you were being unfair, and that this must all be torturing Chuck inside, but you couldn’t find it in you to care. Your voice grew even louder. “I thought you cared about us. But all you care about is-“

You were cut off by Chuck, who in a second was out of his chair and stood in front of you. His hand slammed down on the table, and in that moment he seemed to tower above you, despite the insignificant height difference. _Stop being so damn childish_. His voice seemed to echo around your head and you laughed, almost hysterically.

“Childish? For not wanting my brother to walk to his death? Sure, okay.”

What you were saying was unreasonable, and you knew that this wasn’t his fault, but losing Dean? That is not something you’d ever be okay with. You could see Chuck taking a visible deep breath to try and calm himself, and when he next spoke, his voice was softer and more controlled, but still carried an edge.

“I don’t want this,” he said, “If there were any other way…”

He took both of your hands in his, and you looked up to his face. And for the first time, his eyes looked old. They held so much regret, and so much loss, that you forgot your anger and wrapped your arms around him. After much too brief a time, you pulled back and nodded.

“Dean,” you said, hesitating, “Just…I love you.”

Within three seconds he was by your side, pulling you into a hug that smelt of leather and whisky and _home._

“You know I gotta do this,” he said, and you unwillingly nodded. He held onto you for just a second longer before pulling away.

“Alright. Let’s get to work.”

Everyone started moving, ready to take care of their assigned roles. You turned round to apologise to Chuck, and found him hunched over the table, leaning on it for support.

“Chuck?”

He didn’t look up, and you walked over to him and slipped your fingers under his chin to tilt his head up. His faced was etched with worry and pain, and your heart ached for him.

“Chuck, no. You’re not going anywhere like this.” Your eyes met his. “Please just sit down.”

You bit back a smile when he listened to you, and turned to face the others.

“I’m not leaving Chuck here alone,” you said. “You guys go without me. But hurry back, I don’t know how much longer…” Your voice trailed off as you glanced at Chuck. Cas gave you a nod, and Sam gave you a hug, and then they were all gone, leaving you alone with Chuck. You bit your lip, before offering to get him some water, which he declined.

“Come here,” he said, reaching out for your hand. You laced your fingers through his, and allowed yourself to be pulled down onto his lap, where you curled into his side. Tears started threatening to spill over again, and you wiped your eyes angrily.

“This isn’t fair,” you said, “We only just found each other again. We haven’t had any time.”

His fingers ran through your hair, and his lips pressed to your forehead, and suddenly he was the one comforting you, despite it being him on his deathbed. He hummed a tune, and you began to relax, just holding each other until the time came when you couldn’t any longer. The boys arrived back, along with Crowley and Rowena, and you knew from the determined look on Dean’s face that they’d been successful. Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing you’d ever done.

“I love you Dean,” you said, and by this point you were enclosed in his arms, and the tears were rolling steadily down your face.

“Don’t cry, kid. You’ll see me soon.” He winked, “though not too soon, right?” He paused, squeezing you tighter before letting you go.

“I love you too, Y/N.”

He turned to say his goodbyes to Cas, and then to Sam, and then he was just gone. The room fell into an uneasy silence, before Crowley moved to pour himself another drink, and Rowena resumed her pacing from earlier. Sam walked over to you and Chuck, and attempted a smile.

“So I suppose this is the part where I say that if you hurt my sister, I’ll hurt you back.” He shook his head, “though she’s more than capable of taking care of herself.”

Chuck smiled at that, and it was a ghost of a smile. He reached out to touch your cheek, and opened his mouth to reply to Sam, and then he was just…gone. You backed away from the chair, and it was like you couldn’t breathe. You turned to face Sam, and his face held just as much shock as yours did. Even Crowley and Rowena looked mildly surprised.

“You don’t think,” your voice came out in a shaky whisper, “that she’s got him? That Amara has Chuck and she’s going to…”

Your voice trailed off, not even sure of what you were thinking.

“We need to look for him,” you said, and Sam shook his head.

“We wouldn’t even know where to start.”

The tears you’d been fighting to keep back broke through.

“I can’t lose him!” you cried, “We’re already losing Dean, I can’t lose Chuck too. And I,” you broke off, choked by tears. “I didn’t even get to say goodbye…”

You looked round at the faces of those left in the room, and each one of them held nothing but pity. You didn’t think you could cope with being stared at like that, so with a final squeeze to Sam’s hand, you walked out of the room. You walked past the library and all the new memories it held, and only stopped walking when you reached your bedroom. As soon as the door shut you sank down against it, tears wracking your body. _Chuck? Chuck?! You can’t leave me…not again._ You waited, and you waited some more, but no reply came, and the truth hit you like a truck. He was gone. You’d had him back for such a brief time, and now he was gone. And all the things you’d wanted to say to him, about how his eyes could calm even your strongest panic, and how his lips tasted sweeter than you could have possibly imagined, he’d never hear. He’d never again get to hear how much you love him. You sank lower against the door, until you were just curled up on the floor. And though you didn’t think it possible, you drifted off to sleep.

 

You couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was that woke you. One moment you were asleep, and then something was very much…not right, and you were very much awake. Your hand slipped down to the knife in your boot, and then you darted up, switching on the light. Light which illuminated the concerned face of the man you presumed dead just hours ago. You were frozen, and he took a tentative step towards you. When your knife clattered to the floor, and your arms reached out for him, he enveloped you in his arms and held you closer than he ever had before. _You’re alive…you’re okay…everything’s okay…_ You felt him smile against your hair, but then he pulled away.

“I can’t stay.”

The words rang in your head.

“Amara…she listened to Dean. She just wants to be a family again. She’s leaving the world alone, and I…well I’m going away with her for a while.”

You shook your head, tears starting afresh. He stroked your hair, and wiped away the tears.

“I’ll be back. I can’t tell you when, but I will always come back for you.”

You managed a smile, and he started to back away.

“I’ll be here,” you said. “I’ll wait for you, always.”

When he disappeared you prayed harder than you ever had before. _I love you, Chuck. And I’ll be here._


	8. She Waits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the last chapter! This is the first time I've actually ever finished a fic, so I guess I'm pretty proud. Hope you enjoy it!

Your brothers found you curled up on your bed, exhaustion and hours of crying having resulted in a deep sleep. Dean shook you awake, despite Sam’s insistence that they leave you sleeping, and as soon as your eyes landed on him you flung your arms around his neck.

“I thought I’d never see you again.”

Your words were muffled by his shirt, but he heard you anyway.

“Can’t get rid of me that easily, kiddo.”

You pulled away from him and got down off your bed, sweeping your hair from your face as you did. “This is a good day,” you said. “The world didn’t end and my brother’s alive.”

You deliberately didn’t mention Chuck, knowing that talking about him would bring back the tears. You looked up to see them both smiling, and at that moment it was all that mattered. You had your family; your brothers were stood here in front of you, and Cas was just down the hallway. You sighed out a deep breath.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I could use a drink.”

“Always,” Dean said, and Sam laughed.

You were all just about to leave the room as Cas walked in.

“Aw dude,” you laughed, “you just missed the family bonding.”

He didn’t smile, and you frowned.

“Cas, you okay?”

“May we talk in private?”

Your frown deepened, and you glanced round at your brothers.

“I…yeah, of course.”

Dean raised an eyebrow, asking a silent question, and you shrugged.

“We’ll go find some beer,” Sam said, and made towards the door, but Dean didn’t move.

“Dean?”

Dean looked up at the sound of his brother’s voice and blinked.

“Right, we’ll be waiting.”

Your eyes followed them out of the room before flickering up to Cas.

“So what’s up?”

He hesitated. He wouldn’t meet your eyes, and you reached for his hand.

“Hey, Cas. Talk to me.”

When he finally looked up and met your eyes, he gripped your hand tighter.

“I could still…when Lucifer was possessing me, I didn’t just disappear. I could see everything.”

You frowned, and it took a few seconds for what he meant to hit you.

“Cas, do you think…do you mean that you think that I blame you?”

Silence.

“Cas?”

“He hurt you. And he was…he looked like he was me. If you think of how he hurt you, you see me.”

“No Cas, not even close. I _know_ that wasn’t you. When I think of it- and honestly, I try not to- it’s not you that I see hurting me. He may have been wearing you, but,” you touched his cheek, “he wasn’t you Cas. Now please stop thinking about this. I love you, okay? Just like I love Sam and Dean. You’re my brother, and I don’t want to see you in pain over this anymore, got it?”

He smiled, and a wave of relief washed over you.

“Got it.”

You pulled him in for a hug, and you felt him smiling into your hair.

“Now come on, I need that beer.”

Your days began to blur after that, each one much the same. You’d spend the days with your brothers. Most were filled with hunts, and with copious amounts of research. Occasionally you’d all catch a break, and be able to spend a day or two at the bunker with nothing to do but laugh and relax. Daytime was easy. At nights the pain would hit, and you’d lay and do nothing but miss the man you loved. The first few months were the hardest; it was all so new, like fresh wounds. It got a bit easier a while after that, when you started making rules. One night. You allowed yourself one night of every week to miss him, and the others were for a full night of sleep. A year or so after he left, you cut your hair. A few months later you dyed it. Nothing fancy, just different. You stopped wearing black vests and leather, and started wearing loose t-shirts and some of Dean’s flannels. By two years after Chuck left, you began to wonder if he’d even recognise you. A year and a half after that and you began to lose faith in him returning. You’d prayed to him every night since he left. Every damn night. And not once had you received a reply. You still loved him, and you’d wait for him forever. But you had doubts on whether he still returned those feelings.

 

The stash of flannels you’d stolen from Dean were all in the wash, so you snuck into his room while he was in the kitchen eating. You picked out two of you favourites, and tilted your head while you tried to decide which one to wear.

“Go for the green. Green always looks good on you.”

You dropped the shirts, eyes wide, as you turned to face the voice. You opened your mouth to speak, but no words came out of your mouth. He watched you almost hesitantly, as if he were unsure whether or not you’d be happy to see him. For the first time in three and a half years, you got lost in those blue eyes, and a smile tugged at your lips. You took one step forward, and then another, and then you were in his arms, and you were crying and laughing and he was holding you so tight. You looked over his shoulder and saw Cas at the door, watching you both with a smile. Chuck turned around and saw him, and walked over.

“Son,” he said, and then he had his arms around Cas in a hesitant hug, which Cas, after a few seconds, returned. It was then that Sam and Dean rounded the corner, having heard the commotion. They both stopped dead when they saw Chuck, Sam’s face breaking into a smile, while Dean just looked at you. He raised an eyebrow, and you nodded, still smiling.

“Chuck, hey,” Sam said, and Chuck smiled. They started talking, and you turned away, flashing another grin at Dean.

“It’s pretty nice to see you so happy, Y/N,” he said, and you nodded and gave him a brief hug before turning back to Chuck.

“Hey,” you said to him, “can we talk?”

“Sure, of course,” he said, already turning to walk into your bedroom. Dean leant over and grabbed your arm.

“Have fun uh, ‘talking’,” he stage whispered, winking. You shook your head, laughing, and followed Chuck into your room.

“You wanted to talk?”

You laughed. “You know, for someone so old, you’re kinda naïve.”

He figured out what you meant in a second, and his eyes darkened. Before you could say anything else, he had a hand bunched in the fabric over your waist, and another in your hair. He had you backed up against the wall in a few short steps, his lips already on yours. You were gripping his hair so tightly you had a brief worry it would hurt him, but then his tongue swiped over your bottom lip and every thought just seemed to leave your head. He pressed up closer against you, and you could feel how hard he was already. You moaned into his mouth, and he smirked against your lips. You bucked your hips up against him, and then his hands were on your hips, pushing you back against the wall as he drew away from your mouth. Your eyes opened and your breath hitched, and you tried to bring him back down to your lips, but he didn’t budge. He brushed your hair aside, and his lips ghosted over your ear.

“You’re so impatient,” he whispered, and his teeth grazed your earlobe.

You bucked up against him again, and then his face was in front of yours, frowning.

“No, sweetheart, we can’t have that.”

You whined, but didn’t move, and then his lips were back on yours. Slowly, almost painfully so, he began to grind his hips down onto you, and one of his hands moved to the back of your neck, fisting in your hair.

“Please,” you whispered against his lips. _Please Chuck, I…I need…_ Your thoughts trailed off as he sucked a bruise onto your neck, and his lips moved against your skin as he spoke.

“What is it you want, Y/N? Use your words.”

What was it you really wanted? The answer came to you without you even having to think about it. You felt a slight smirk pulling at the corner of your mouth as you tugged on his hair, and his head came back up to meet your mouth in a kiss. Both of your hands left feather-light trails as your fingers danced down his chest and came to rest on the waistband of his jeans. You pulled away from his mouth and raised one eyebrow, a silent ask for permission. **_Go ahead, princess._** You paused at the use of the pet name. Had he known it was your favourite, or was it just a lucky guess? **_I don’t do guesses._**  Well that answered that question. Without breaking eye contact, you sank to your knees, still pressed back against the wall. You undid the button on his jeans, and then after a sudden flash of inspiration, leant forward and took the zip in your mouth, sliding it down with your teeth. Eyes still on Chuck, you pulled down both his jeans and the briefs underneath at once, before leaning forward and licking a strip up his length. You heard a sharp intake of breath from above as you swirled your tongue around the tip, before taking him into your mouth and hollowing out your cheeks. His hand fell and tangled in your hair, and he thrust into your mouth, hitting the back of your throat, making your gag. **_You good?_** If your mouth hadn’t been otherwise occupied you’d have laughed. _Fuck. Yes, just so yes._ You moaned around him, and his grip in your hair tightened. His hips bucked up again, and this time he ignored the resulting gag. The ache between your legs was growing stronger with each thrust into your mouth, and you knew you must be so wet already. You slipped a hand down your jeans and into your panties, and your whole body reacted when you started rubbing circles on your clit. **_Stop touching what’s mine, princess._**  With a frustrated moan you withdrew your hand, and as you did Chuck stepped back, leaving your mouth empty. **_Stand up._**  You did so, and he took your chin between his thumb and finger and kissed you, before taking the hand that had been in your panties and sucking the two fingers that were covered in your wetness into his mouth, tongue swirling around them as tasted you. **_As much as I’d love to watch you undress for me, I think…_** He clicked his fingers, and both your clothing and what remained of his disappeared. He backed you towards the bed, and when you reached it, you lay down in the middle of it, reaching out to pull him down with you. Instead, he grabbed your thighs and pulled you down the bed, until your legs were hanging off the end. It was in that moment you realised what was about to happen, and your head fell back and hit the mattress. Chuck hooked your legs over his shoulders and leant forward. His lips touched the insides of your thighs, and he sucked a mark onto each one. _Chuck, please…Need you._ You lifted your head up and his eyes met yours, before he ducked his head back down, lips closing around your clit and sucking.

“Chuck, oh my god…”

You felt him smirk against you, and you could have kicked yourself for what you said. But then you felt two fingers pushing against your entrance and nothing else mattered. He slid them in slowly, and then stopped, and you whined at the loss of movement. You thrust up your hips, and when he did nothing to stop you, you continued. **_Look at you, sweetheart. You’re so desperate that you’re fucking yourself on my fingers._** All you managed in response was a moan, and then you felt something touching your breasts, leaving what felt like barely-there kisses. But wait, weren’t his hands… Your eyes flew open, and though the feelings on your breasts seemed to grow in intensity, your saw nothing there. You looked down to his face, still buried between your legs, and his eyes crinkled as if he were smiling. **_It’s my grace, that’s what you can feel._** Well that was…new. Amidst the overwhelming feelings of his tongue on your clit and his fingers inside of you, you were struck with the realisation that this, this grace that was currently gently pulling on both nipples at once, that was him. The real him; not the human body in front of you, but pure celestial energy. It was this that had you thrusting your hips at a faster pace, until you felt yourself about to tip over the edge.

“Chuck…” was all you managed, but it was all he needed. His grace on your breasts pulled just a little bit harder on your nipples, and he pressed down lightly on your stomach, stopping your movements, as he began pumping his fingers in and out of you, faster enough that reached your high seconds later. You came calling out his name, and as you came back down from your high you felt him licking up your juices. As you lay there breathing heavily, he crawled up the bed and settled on top of you, propping himself up on his elbows.

“You okay, princess?”

You nodded, and he smiled, leaning down to kiss you. You could taste yourself on his tongue, and you moaned into his mouth. He pulled away, just slightly, and you found yourself getting lost in his eyes, until you felt him enter you and your eyes fluttered shut. When he was fully inside of you he paused.

“Chuck,” you panted, “goddamn move.”

Thankfully he obliged, and he rolled his hips. Your eyes opened, and you stared into his as he started thrusting into you. Your nails left marks down his back, and he groaned as he started moving faster. **_You still okay, princess?_** You almost missed it, too focused on the feeling of him, but you managed a response, brief as it was- _yes._ You watched as he took both of your hands in one of his, and trapped them up above your head. When his hand moved down to your face a few seconds later, you automatically tried to bring your arms back down to hold him, but found them pinned there by an invisible force. _Your grace again?_ He looked into your eyes and nodded, thrusts not slowing down for even a second. You felt yourself nearing the edge for the second time. _Chuck...I’m nearly…_ It was at that point that any and all coherent thoughts were cut off, as you felt his hand drift up to your neck and squeeze, hard enough to slightly constrict your breathing, but light enough that it didn’t hurt. Your head fell back and your eyes fluttered shut, and just as Chuck pressed down a little more on your neck, you came, and the sensations travelled throughout your whole body, seeming to cut you off from almost anything and everything else; you were vaguely aware of Chuck also reaching his high. When you came back down, his arms were around you and you were curled up into his chest.

“Hey, sweetheart, are you okay? You blacked out for a moment and I was worried.”

You nodded, and reached over to trace his lips with your finger.

“I’m good, Chuck. I’m better than good. That was…I don’t have words.”

He chuckled, and clutched you closer. That was when you remembered.

“Hey Chuck?” You wriggled out of his arms and sat up, which, you noted, was not an easy feat considering how jello-like you felt.

“Hm?”

“You said you’d tell me. About why you can speak in my head and no one else’s.”

His mouth curved up in an amused smile, and he took your hand.

“Well,” he said, “that would be because we’re soulmates.”

“Well fuck me…” you muttered to yourself, and Chuck grinned and leant back over you.

“If you insist.”


End file.
